The following post you are about to read are my inner most thoughts. Please be kind. This was very tough for me to write, but also very therapeutic. If you at all share these views of yourself, or have in the past, feel free to email or reach out to me! I’d love to discuss things with you! emburnfitness@gmail.com
Throughout my entire fitness journey (5 years) I’ve always had the same thoughts go through my head.
Why am I so good at helping others, but useless at helping myself?
Why can’t I stick to a routine?
Why am I so motivated and then I fall off?
Why can’t I say no to that wine or cake?
Why do I see my diet as an “all of nothing” thing?
Why do I have no self control when it comes to food and exercise?
This has gone on for years. Years of progress and backtracking. Years of living between being too hard on myself and making too many excuses for myself.
If this sounds like you, I wish I could say I’ve found the “cure” and fully understand it.. And today for just a down payment of $9.99, you too can hold all the answers in the universe! (lol)
I do, however, believe I have found the reason. I believe I’ve found the key to work towards in order to succeed in not only my fitness journey, but in other aspects of my life too.
SELF LOVE.
I’ve recently realized that no matter how much I fake it and make positive posts, and repeat self-affirmations again and again.. I do not love myself. I have no respect for myself. I can say those phrases like “yeah I’m good at my job” as many times as I want, but because I do not love myself, I will never fully believe it. No matter how many times I say “I want muscle, I want to lose body fat. I want to be an inspiration”, it will never happen. Because after the excitement of saying those phrases has disappeared, I’ll realize that I don’t mean it. Because I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t love myself enough to keep going and to see what I can really do! I don’t love myself enough to commit to anything! Whether it’s a fitness goal or business goal, I am constantly checking myself in and out of commitment, because I don’t believe I am enough to make it happen.
Realizing that this is my truth and these are the ACTUAL thoughts that are in my head was devastating. As I sit here writing this… Crying because I know for the first time everything I am writing is true to my thoughts… I can’t believe I let it get this bad.
It starts with an idea of yourself. Something maybe from childhood. Maybe something you yourself made up. For me it was; I’m fat, I’m not like the other girls. I’m not enough. I’ll never be successful and have a lot of money.
Then comes the repetition. Saying those things to yourself, even subconsciously, until you believe it through and through.
Years and years later, after I’ve done all this self-destruction, I finally had an epiphany. I won’t succeed, because I won’t let myself. As I said before, I don’t believe I’m worth it enough to work for greatness.
I have no problem believing in others, inspiring others to be their best… Because I DO believe in them. They are what I am not. They can do this! This mindset has made me a fantastic coach. A great trainer. But, it also helps me to bring my focus away from myself and my goals.
When I first started EmBurn Fitness, it was my husband’s idea. He seemed to believe that I had something special. Something to share with the world and that I was a “1 of a kind” trainer. I start this because of his belief. Not my own. I love what I do. I love helping my clients and I love seeing how people have succeeded with my help. But I didn’t believe in the beginning or now that it would go anywhere. Why should it? I’m just another online trainer who started their own business. My husband’s belief that I was different than every other trainer still baffles me. I know I’m good at my job, because of results and words from clients. But I believe this to be because of science. Not because of me and my personality. This is one of the top things I’d like to change when I start believing in myself.
So, let me cut to the point. I’m sending myself on a long, long journey to self-love. Whatever that may look like. I want to believe in myself when it comes to my career and my health. I want to know that I deserve happiness. I want to know I am enough. I want to have confidence in myself and love the person I am. For real this time. Not just in writing. That’s the struggle. I want to work on this and have it impact me, not just have it be another blog and after it’s over I remain the same. I want to ACTUALLY change myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to build love for myself… I’ve come up with some things I’m excited to investigate! I will be doing experiments. Coming up with self-reflection questions and most likely my own form of planner in order to check my progress. I will read books! Research! I will reach out to those who I see actively demonstrating self-love and find out how and why they decided to love themselves. I will find the best methods and really find what works for me! I want to understand myself as a person and finally find out who I’m supposed to be when I am the best version of myself.
Thank you for reading. I do not want anyone to feel pity or any sort of sad feelings for me. In my life I’ve made these choices and this was the outcome. I would however really welcome ideas, support, and maybe some of your personal experiences in order to help me along! I hope that eventually I will find a deeper understanding of myself and love to love every part of me. I also, more than anything, hope that by being so open about this I will be able to help others. I know many many people face this same reality, and I hope by sharing I will be able to reach them and help them along their own journey.