Mental Health
You see it happen all the time. People hire a coach or decide to change their own health and fitness. They’re given all the tools they need to succeed, all they have to do is put in the work. They still do not succeed. In fact, they see almost no progress and end up blaming the process or coach.
Here, we are going to be talking about the very REAL problem that happens to almost everyone at some point in their life…getting in the way of your own success. This can happen in the business realm, social realm, basically anywhere in your life, but today we will be focusing on fitness and living a healthy lifestyle.
When it comes to interfering with your own success, some specific ‘life-ruin-ers’ come to mind. They are, in my opinion; your core beliefs, your self talk, your emotional-based choices, and your excuses. By the end of this, you will see that they are all very closely related; and to change just one of these will not help you see monumental progress. You must look at all of these factors truthfully within yourself, and change each and every one of them in order to achieve complete self-love and acceptance while being able to get out of your own way.
Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are defined as “basic beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world we live in. They are things we hold to be absolute truths deep down, underneath all our “surface” thoughts. Essentially, core beliefs determine how you perceive and interpret the world.” Don’t get me wrong, not all core beliefs are bad, but today we will be focusing on the negative or untrue core beliefs that you may have about yourself. These beliefs may be unconscious, meaning, you don’t even know that you have these thoughts about yourself and may not know exactly where they stem from. You live your life exclusively around these core beliefs, without ever asking questions or even knowing exactly what they are. The important thing with your core beliefs is the figure out exactly what they are and why you feel that way.
A core belief is something you accept to be true without even asking questions. It is something that will remain true, day after day, and something you don’t even have to think about because….”that’s just the way it is”.
How Your Core Beliefs Are Holding You Back
So, why are core beliefs important to your success? “Core beliefs determine how we feel about others, how happy we are with ourselves, and how we perceive the world at large. Our core beliefs are even responsible for how successful we are in self-actualizing our deepest dreams and meaning of life.” Imagine trying to succeed and live your best life while your unconscious mind is plotting against you. Your beliefs could be tearing you down without you knowing, so let’s dig into that a little bit more.
To put things into perspective, I will share one of my core beliefs that I recently realized.
“I am not good enough in social situations. I’m awkward, everyone else is better at it than me. I am not like-able.”
This was a tough core belief to realize, because I had done it to myself. This belief comes from growing up in a small town where everyone knows everyone else, and families have lived in the same town since the beginning of time. I was always told that because of my last name I would never be in the popular crowd and couldn’t do what the other “cool kids” could do. A lot of comparisons were done based on social and financial status. This led me down a path to think I was not good enough. Not being good enough stunted my social life and molded my personality to fit what I believed to be true. I didn’t have many friends, and when I did I was desperate not to lose them. I didn’t connect with people easily because I always felt they were silently judging me.
None of this, of course, was true. If I had went into my whole life believing that I was good enough, that I deserved friends, and that I was in charge of deciding who I would be within the my childhood town; the outcome would be different. Not many people are to blame for this core belief, but what blows my mind is that this belief of me WAS NOT in anyone else’s head but my own. And for that, I diminished my own success.
In the realm of fitness, people often have the core belief that they can never have that body they so desire. It could be because they think it costs a lot of money to eat healthy and workout, and they were told they will always be poor. Maybe it’s because they think fit people were born with the right genetics, and they see that all their family is obese. Whatever the case, knock it off. The reason behind your belief is more likely than not, made up and incorrect. You can have the body you want. You can eat healthy and stay on track. But first you need to dig deep and find out what unconscious thought is stopping you.
Changing Core Beliefs
Before you try to change your toxic core beliefs, you first need to find out exactly what they are. Later in this article we will discuss the Why Method, which I believe is the easiest way to find your core beliefs. No matter what route you take to find your toxic core beliefs that need changing, the process requires a couple of things from you in order to be successful.
- Be honest to yourself, without judgement
- Do not stop because things get uncomfortable or painful to think about
- When you have a change in emotion, pay attention!
- When you are daydreaming, realize what your thoughts dwell on
- Understand that this takes time (you’re changing core thoughts that have existed almost as long as you have!)
The Why Method
For this exercise I suggest a journaling. Journaling may not be your cup of tea, but I can guarantee it will help you sort of your thoughts. In the why method, you will write down any emotion or situation that happens to you that causes an emotional response. Next, you will ask “why is that so bad/why does this bother me?”, you will continue to ask why until you get down to a final, stripped thought.
For example: “I hate when my partner is constantly on their phone.” Why is this so terrible? “Because I want to be listened to” Why? “Because I want to feel heard and loved” Why? “I feel like no one cares about what I have to say.” Why do I think no one cares what I have to say? “Because I am not enough to hold someones attention.”
So, now that you know how to find your toxic core beliefs, it’s time to change those negative core beliefs.
- Identify 1 core belief at a time
- Understand how it affects your life
- Throw fear aside, commit to the change
- Disprove your core belief again and again
- Find a replacement core belief–be positive!
- Explore how your life could change without this negative core belief
- Put a plan in action (disprove every time it comes up, journal, etc)
No matter how you decide to work towards changing a toxic core belief, be sure to be completely open and honest with yourself. Actively work on YOU, and do not forget why you started this journey. Replacing or destroying toxic core beliefs will only set you up for success in your future.
Self Talk
Self talk refers to your internal dialogue. This dialogue influences how we feel and behave; basically it’s a bunch of conversations with yourself. There are 3 main types of self talk we will discuss here: Instructional, Positive, and Negative.
Instructional self talk is exactly how it sounds; it’s you, giving yourself instructions to complete a task. This could look like “tighten your core” during a squat, or “remember to breathe” when dead lifting. Either way, it is simply a fact or a instruction to yourself with no positive or negative voice to it. Positive self talk is used almost like a motivator. This can be a compliment you are giving yourself or a small pep talk before a big event. Either way, positive self talk is there to build you up and create confidence in situations. The final type of self talk is of course, negative. Negative self talk is the downer. Negative self talk is often brought on by fear or doubt. This fear and doubt that fuels untrue thoughts in your mind can turn any conversation you are having with yourself into a harmful one.
How Self Talk is Holding You Back
Most often, negative self talk is type of self talk that is holding you back. This can be brought on by isolating yourself, feeding into untrue thoughts, or listening to other peoples’ untrue opinions of you. No matter how negative self talk is brought on, it is your job to recognize it and not fuel the fire.
Negativity is contagious. If you start believing that you cannot do something, that can easily spiral out of control in your brain. For example: you are trying to lose weight and you feel uncomfortable in the gym. This causes your negative self talk to begin spitting lies in your head. “Everyone is staring at you” “You shouldn’t be here, you don’t belong” “You’ll never lose weight. You’ll never look good.”
Sound familiar? If you can relate with this scenario at all, then we need to discuss how you are holding yourself back. None of these self-talk statements are true, but you are making them out to be true in your mind. By turning what could have been a great experience into something unattainable and negative, you have just put up a roadblock in your progress. Now when you enter the gym, you are already assuming failure because of what conversations you’ve had with yourself. This SHOULD NOT be the reason why you fail at your goals, but the harsh reality is that it usually is. It’s not that the process of dieting or exercising is broken, it’s that you are setting your self up mentally for failure.
Changing Self Talk
Catch Yourself In The Act
When you find yourself having a negative opinion about yourself, recognize it. Catch yourself spreading false rumors in your mind. If you wouldn’t say this thought about a best friend or family member, chances are that it’s just you being a terrible self-critic. Catch yourself, recognize the thought, realize it’s not an actual portrayal of you or your situation, and let it go.
Separate Your Inner Critic
If you start putting all your negative self talk into a box, recognizing when it flares up and what it’s focused on, you can begin to separate it from the rest of your thoughts. I find this hard to do, but some people give that negative voice a name. By separating the negative voice from you, you are allowing yourself to disagree with what it has to say. You are making it another person, which also takes it out of your personality because you’ve deemed it to be “someone else”. This is easier said than done, but can be very effective.
Possible Thinking
You always hear that in order to change negative self talk, you just need to make everything positive! This is such a superficial answer and solution. If you try to make fake positive thoughts, best believe your internal lie detector will be sounding the alarm. You know when you’re being untrue to yourself; so instead of positive thinking, try possible thinking. Instead of “I’m fat and ugly” try “I’d like to lose 15lbs, and I know how to do it”. This gives you facts instead of personal opinions. Be optimistic with a plan, not positive with no plan in mind.
Cross-Examination
This method is mostly started by someone besides you, and is something you continue yourself. If you were to say out loud, “I am worthless” a loved one would come in and instantly say something along the lines of “no, you are loved and you are successful”. From there you are able to disprove your negative thought. Now, you have to be your own loved one in order for this method to work. Every time you have a FALSE negative thought about yourself, your loving voice will come in and name ways that this thought cannot be true based on FACTS. I find that this works best for me, especially when I begin to spiral into a panic attack. Being able to disprove things I am saying to myself with actual facts brings me back to reality.
Choices Based on Emotion
It’s no shock that almost every choice we make on a daily basis is solely based on emotion. Turned down a great job opportunity? Fear. Cancelled plans with friends? Sadness. Bought yourself a gift? Happiness. Every emotion you have will have some sort of action attached to it.
How Your Emotions are Holding You Back
Emotions are great to have, it means you’re not a sociopath. But, having emotion negatively affect your goals is “no bueno”. One of the biggest reasons people do not reach their health goals is because of nutrition. People say it’s too tough, or that they just like food too much. But, if you really truly have you mind set on losing weight, then why can’t you say no to food? It’s because of your emotions. Your emotions are controlling your cravings and your perspective on situations.
Emotional eating can be brought on by any emotion; happy, sad, anxious, or even bored. The key to controlling emotional eating is that you figure out the intent behind the hunger. If you just ate, chances are you don’t need that bag of chips in the pantry. Your mind might tell you that you do, because you’re bored and spending the night on the couch, but in reality you are perfectly satiated. Realizing what is causing you to eat is the only thing you can do. If you do not dig deeper into the problem, than all you’ll get are surface answers which do not help in the long run.
Managing Your Emotional Choices
Emotions give us the “okay” to act out of character or against our goals. In order to change this, we must recognize the motivation behind the action we are about to do. I might say, “I’ve had a bad day, I deserve a bottle of wine”. This example is showing that because my emotional level is raised and I have decided I am sad, I have given myself permission to act outside of my goals. The key is to not let your emotions become your excuse. Recognize the situations you’re in when you decide to break a goal or act out of character. Every time you find yourself in those situations, reflect and redirect to a healthy solution. “I’ve had a bad day, maybe I should go for a walk to clear my mind”, this is switching my action from unhealthy to helpful. Be aware, and change the trajectory of your life.
Excuses
Excuses are tactics you design to keep yourself from feeling some sort of way. Maybe you say you have to clean your house in order to get out of a dinner with friends, or you say you’re too tired to go to the gym. In these scenarios you are creating excuses so that you do not have to feel uncomfortable. Excuses are meant to keep you in your safe bubble. We all know that change happens outside of your comfort zone, so when you make excuses for yourself you are denying your opportunity to grow. The next time you complain about not losing weight or not getting that promotion; look at your actions, did they match the success you were hoping to accomplish? Now, look at the list of excuses you made for yourself so that you didn’t have to be uncomfortable; chances are the list is very real, and it is the reason you are not meeting your goals.
As you can see; core beliefs, self talk, and emotional choices are all connected. When these things get the best of you, excuses are the product. Once you start to unravel the negative side of you, excuses slip away. Work on yourself, excuses will naturally dissolve. Want things, and I mean truly want things for yourself, excuses disappear. The more self love and confidence you have, the less excuses you have to bring you back to old behaviors.
Putting Your Plan Into Action
Now that you know all the ways you are holding yourself back, what are you going to do about it? I have given you exercises to try and ways to dig yourself out of your rut. The thought of changing your whole perception on life is scary, but if you want to change your life it is necessary. Doing the same things over and over will produce the same results, it’s time to change up your mindset and start living a better way. Changing your mindset doesn’t happen overnight, but the more time you waste in your current state, the slower the process will be. Take the first step. Find your core beliefs and begin changing them. Step after step you will gain your momentum, and in turn, start the rest of your life.